We are always being told that we have a problem in this country with drinking. Barely a week goes by when someone isn’t telling us off about it. Teenagers drink too much, the middle aged drink too much, even the Saga crowd are knocking back too many G&T’s down the bridge club. Even if we told that nice Mr Cameron that drinking made us happy, very happy indeed, he’d look all disappointed and tell us we had to cut down and maybe try a nice sparkling mineral water instead.

Within Europe, the Brits are like the embarrassing drunken uncle that probably shouldn’t have had that last pint of organic scrumpy*. The Continentals are all standing around looking cool and sophisticated in the fading sunlight, with their fancy bottled beers with a slice of lime in the neck or cocktails with swizzle sticks and paper umbrellas in them, shaking their heads at us Brits, who are chucking up in the gutter with our friends standing behind saying, ‘There you go, better out than in.’

But I don’t think it’s as simple as all that. I mean, while there are some aspects of English boozery that I would agree are not all that attractive – the average hen party, especially one accessorised with fluffy pink cowboy hats, for example – but here in Britain, sometimes beer IS the answer.

Let me tell you what I mean:

1. First and foremost, there’s SINGING BEER. The rule at Copper family parties (who were basically the Royal family of the English folk scene) was “You can drink as much beer as you like, as long as it’s Singing Beer.” I like the odd pint of Singing Beer myself. If it wasn’t for Singing Beer, there would be precious little singing done in this country. We’re not Welsh after all. We can’t sing sober. A note of caution, though. It’s best to stop drinking the beer at soon as you hit the singing stage, otherwise you quickly move on from a spontaneous rendition of, say, an early Beatles number (fine) to something in eight-part harmony with Gaelic lyrics and THIS WON’T END WELL.

2. GETTING OFF WITH SOMEONE BEER. Aka English ‘romance’. You like someone; you think they like you. You circle each other for a bit, laughing very loudly at their jokes, and mentioning their name more often than strictly necessary to your friends. Now, if you were American, one of you would ask the other one out on a DATE and they would pick you up at eight in their Chevy and you would go to a diner and then you would drive down to the lake and all would be well and perfectly straightforward. But no. We aren’t American. We are British. The only way to find out if someone likes you is to get drunk enough to get off with them. It’s the British way. It’s quite romantic if you think about it.

3. AVOIDING-EMBARRASSMENT DRINKING. Is there anything worse, anything at all, in the world, than being a bit embarrassed? No. It’s a rhetorical question. There really isn’t anything worse. At all. So, let’s say you have turned up to a Black Tie event accidentally in your jeans and a t-shirt. Or, you’ve just asked someone at a social event how their mother is, having temporarily forgotten that you in fact went to her funeral about 6 weeks ago. Have a beer. Have another. You’ll be amazed how much less embarrassed you feel. You know it makes sense.

4. FESTIVAL REAL ALE. You are at a music festival of some kind. You have been living in a tent for the last 48 hours and you are pretty sure you smell pretty rank, but luckily the stink of your companion’s vegan curry is covering up the worst of it. Inside your wellies, there is a brand new eco-system and a brave new world that has such creatures in it. You have quite a lot of mud on your legs. At least you hope it’s mud. It has been raining prettily steadily for quite a few hours and you are trying not to think about how you’re going to get your car out of this boggy field later on. You could really do with a wee, but frankly you’d rather go naked into battle against the Spartans than risk those portaloos again. You know what would go down perfectly right now?  Yes, a pint of Old Humblethwacker’s Brew. Actually get two while you’re there. It’s such a long queue after all.

So let’s leave the White Wine Spritzers to the Mediterraneans and their temperate climate and relaxed ways. Sometimes, here in Britain, only beer will do.

* let me give you a piece of valuable advice right here and now: NEVER drink organic scrumpy if 1. It comes in THIRDS not half pints and 2. It’s so cloudy that you can’t see through it. Fairly obvious clues there, in hindsight.