A few years ago I had the privilege to meet a young American physicist. Let’s call him the SuperCleverYankeeDoodleDandy, or the SCYDD for short. The SCYDD is a serious young man with the kind of sharp, solid intelligence that makes me remember why I could never be a physicist*, but he combines this with an incredible humility about his talents. For example, he speaks a number of languages fluently, including having a decent stab at English most of the time (you know, for an American). Nevertheless, his standard reply to the question ‘Do you speak Jarklish?’ or whatever language it is, is to say ‘well, a little’. Shortly after this, the SCYDD will commence a lengthy conversation about the history of French cinema, for example, with a native Jarklish speaker. With jokes.

Now the SCYDD is very serious about his work, and so he should be because it is Very Important. I am not at all sure what it is, but I think it concerns the nature and origins of the universe, that kind of thing. He has of course explained it to me, with infinite patience, but my feeble engine of a mind started puttering out of steam very soon into the conversation. All I know is, it involves BEAM TIME. Which is a precious commodity. Apparently.

So the great news is that the SCYDD has recently been granted Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK. Basically, the Home Office had a good old trawl up and down the country and came to the conclusion that, yes, he WAS the cleverest man in Britain and therefore could stay. So, good news for Physics, good news for the Universe and good news for us, because he brings an element of solid intellect to our social circle that can sometimes be a little lacking, to be frank.

As part of the process of being declared Fit to Do Super Clever Things in the UK For Ever Amen, SCYDD had to pass a citizenship test. This meant going to classes to learn the length of the UK coastline, and the average inside leg measurement of the UK’s MPs, and so on.

It was during this process that something occurred to me – OF COURSE! That’s why he hangs out with us, because the Home Office had told him, as part of his education in UK life, that he had to learn about the traditional English pastime of Being Rude to Your Friends, with a specialism in Wild Sarcasm.

He had to find some sarcastic people to go to the pub with.

Well, he picked the right group to infiltrate. On the very first occasion I invited him to join us in the pub, I gave him the benefit of my opinion that the USA was ‘not fit for human habitation’**, a phrase which he repeats from time to time in a wondering tone, as if trying to imagine what kind of person might say such a thing to a virtual stranger about their native country. Which is a good question. (It’s my usual excuse – TRYING to be funny. Emphasis on the TRYING.)

But nowadays SCYDD has Gone Native. He even gives up Beam Time to come and be amusingly rude to us, obviously in an extremely polite way.

So, in celebration, and as something of a belated apology, here are some reasons why the US is a completely dandy place and ABSOLUTELY FIT FOR HUMAN HABITATION (well at least for a week in April and one in September. In some States.)

THE EFFERVESCENT SENSE OF OPTIMISM of the average American. It’s admirable. No really, it is. Sorry, do I sound sarcastic? See, that’s because I am not an American. I just can’t pull sincerity off, at all. But the world needs sincere, optimistic, serious people, even if it’s just so the rest of us have something to be sardonic about.

NEW YORK – an amazing city on any measure. A city with heart, soul, and some really very wonderful cocktails.

AMERICAN TV – The West Wing, Mad Men, The Big Bang Theory – worth letting you have your independence just for those three.

THE EXTREMELY CUTE WAY THE AMERICANS SAY ALUMINIUM, HERB AND – BEST OF ALL – OREGANO. Even though they are wrong. You can be wrong and cute.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER – in perfect remembrance of which we will almost forgive the US for Twilight’s ‘post-feminist’ Bella. ALMOST.

So SCYDD, we hope you will stay in the UK for many years more of Beam Time. Your Country Needs You. And maybe if you give it one more shot, this time I will understand about leptrons***.

Maybe.

*It’s properly hard, isn’t it, physics? Not like banging on to children about books all day, which is what I do for ‘work’.

** I concede that, on reflection, this might have been something of a generalisation.

*** though the fact that I spelled this wrong doesn’t bode well, I grant you.