I don’t normally try to predict the future on this blog. This is more of a quiet reflection sort of gig. Well, not quiet exactly. But certainly, looking back, in a retrospective sort of way.

Well, today I’m trying something different. I am going to try some predictions. I am going to guess what’s going to happen tomorrow. Mystic Number6. If you like.

Tomorrow is A Level results day. Many of you will already know that because you have a sixth former around the place, pacing the floor like a caged animal. Googling ‘A level crammers’ or ‘year off in Bali’ or maybe even ‘minimum wage jobs’. Or maybe they are in perky denial, sitting in Subway with a bottomless Diet Coke, laughing in a way that’s 50% hysteria and 50% mania, trying to pretend it all doesn’t really matter!!!! It’s all going to be fine!!!!!! And anyway it’s all over now!!!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!! (If so, my sympathies. The GorgeousTeen gets her A2 results tomorrow, and I have a whole room full of equally tense types waiting at school tomorrow. I have often peeked into an exam hall and wished I was sitting the bleeding things myself rather than having to watch; I feel much the same about getting the results.)

So, even before the envelopes are opened, before the sympathetic expressions are donned, the boxes of Kleenex are wielded, and the lifts into town to celebrate/drown sorrows are arranged, let me tell you my guesses:

1. Girls will have done better than boys. This is either A. (e.g.according to the Daily Mail) ‘The REAL gender gap scandal’ and evidence of a terrible bias against boys or B. pretty bleeding obvious, given that girls outperform boys at every level from Key stage 1 onwards due to the dirty low down rotten trick of (and I quote the Daily Mail again here) being ‘more conscientious and dedicated’. Tsk! Tsk! How low can you stoop, girls, to get one over on the poor downtrodden boys! You should be ashamed. (There is a genuine issue here of course about educating boys – forgive my flippancy, and have a read of the interesting article below – but the tiresome hand-wringing of tomorrow will, I predict, make many of those hard-working girls feel just a tiny bit irked. Only for a minute, because they need to get cracking with next year’s reading list.)

2. Just next to the headline about the irritating hardworking and high-achieving girls will be one that reads ‘ARE STANDARDS SLIPPING? WHO IS TO BLAME?’ These questions are super easy. Even boys could answer them. The answers are, DER! Yes! Of course! Otherwise the journalist writing the article might start to feel a bit inadequate when he thought about his BBC results from 1986. And DER! the TEACHERS obviously. And Tony Blair, I think, although I’m a bit hazier on that one.

3. There will be a picture of a young girl or boy, definitely wearing spectacles with extremely unfashionable hair and a somewhat pallid complexion. This young person will be grinning fit to BURST and clutching a set of results reading something like AAAAAAAAAAAA*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*. Or thereabouts. Looking at this picture will make you feel a complex mixture of emotions. You will certainly turn the page rather quickly, muttering something under your breath. Sssh. Quieter, we can hear you.

4. There will be a picture of some beautiful slim blonde young women leaping about showing off their midriffs. From this we deduce: beautiful young blonde women do terribly well in their exams. Isn’t that just typical.

5. You will flick through the list of clearing places and have a little dream about going to study the History of Art at St Andrews (maybe that’s just me) and then have a little moment of righteous indignation about some ridiculous sounding degree course, e.g. ‘Clog Dancing and Pony Cuddling! At the University of Cleethorpes*! No wonder there are places!’ And then you will feel much better.

6. TicTacGirl will eat a lot of TicTacs.

Those are my predictions for tomorrow. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’d better go to Sainsburys and stock up on some more Kleenex. And TicTacs.

NEXT WEEK – The GCSE results, and why the ever-rising standards are all a feminist conspiracy to oppress lazy people and also a sign that Britain is Completely Broken.

*All due apologies to the residents of Cleethorpes, and very best of luck in your campaign to achieve university status.

Read more about The REAL gender gap scandal and why boys are the true victims of discrimination:

If you are interested in the issues about educating boys, this is a good place to start: