Blimey that went quick didn’t it? 2012 I mean. I swear it was only the other day I was casually looking at my watch to check how much longer before I could politely exit yet another New Year’s Party and go home to get into my pyjamas, and then WHOOSH in a whirl of packed lunches and overdue library books and times tables and unsigned homework diaries – LO! it’s nearly the end of December again and I STILL HAVEN’T WRITTEN MY CHRISTMAS CARDS.
But wait, I may not need to, because according to that great source of wisdom, People On The Internet, the world is just about to end.
Can I be the only one who thought, when hearing this prediction, that the 21st December is just a little late? Two days after last posting day – who needs the apocalypse then? A week earlier and you’d miss not only the horror of trying to remember the names of the children of those old friends you haven’t seen for years (and how to spell them) but more importantly the stomach-clenching fear of sending a card addressed – catastrophically – to Mr and Mrs HeRanOffWithHisSecretary*. I am sure there are some people who, when hearing the news of impending divorce, rush to scribble his name out of their address book, but I am not one of them. In 2012 there must be an app for it: AdultererAmend, perhaps.
Anyway, as we have all got lots of time this week to spare – no point cleaning the bathroom if the apocalypse is coming, and you can tell your mother in law that from me – why not try this quick quiz of the year to while away these last hours before the Horsemen arrive and snaffle the last of the Quality Street.
(Actually that’s one good thing about the imminent arrival of the apocalypse – you might as well open that tin of chocolates you’ve been saving for Christmas, and make sure there’s only the coconut ones left by Friday. Or indeed later tonight, if you get a move on. Well why the hell not? The world’s about to end.)
THE QUIZ OF THE YEAR 2012
1. Is the world about to end on Friday?
a. Yes, it had better, because I work for the Cancun Tourist Board and I bought a whole batch of T-shirts saying ‘My mum went to witness the end of days and all she bought me was this lousy t-shirt” and I didn’t get them on sale or return.
b. Yes, because the Mayans were right about many things including the fact that the world is a big old turtle and human sacrifice is vital for the growth of crops. Gosh you do look tired, why not have a little lie down on this sacrificial altar er I mean comfy stone sofa right next to my greenhouse.
c. Yes, I am prepared to believe so although I am still quite sceptical about ‘global warming’, which is a conspiracy put about by bleeding heart liberals and yes I am from the Mid West of America how can you tell.
d. No, but only because I have wrapped all my flipping presents now and I’ll be very irritated if it was all in vain. I even did matching tags and some fancy ribbons. It took me ages.
2. What did you think of the Olympics?
a. It was a terrible waste of time and money. But I work for the Rio Tourist Board and ours will be much better. Honest.
b. I thought it was a terrible waste of time and money because the tv and papers kept saying so and then I started to quite enjoy it which was all a bit odd and then thank goodness the tv and papers started to tell me I could enjoy it so that was a terrific relief.
c. I basically cried my way through the whole thing, and as for the Paralympics I was almost hospitalised with the sobbing.
d. I can only remember Boris stuck on a wire, that cyclist looking ultra-mod-cool and then the Spice Girls and some black cabs at the end. Oh and David Cameron dad-dancing, though that might have been the Jubilee.
3. Did they find the God Particle in the Large Hadron Collider?
a. I have absolutely no idea. All I know about Physics I learned from the Big Bang Theory.
b. Yes possibly. That’s maybe why the world is ending on Friday, someone’s about to drop the God Particle in the afternoon when they come back from their Christmas party at lunchtime and they’ve had too many shandies. You know what those physicist are like – one sniff of the barmaid’s apron and they are always dropping vital particles.
c. I don’t know, ask God.
d. I don’t know, ask the Mayans. On Friday.
So there we are, the quiz of the year. Grab yourself a glass of Christmas cheer, a handful of Montilemar, and give it a go!
Answers will appear on Saturday 22nd December.
*do people still have secretaries to run off with? Or do men have affairs with their iPads these days?