There is a big sign on a lamppost on the campsite where we are staying that reads: ‘THERE IS NO DOG POO FAIRY!’

The first thing I thought on reading this was, well that’s going to be a bit of a shock for some poor child, having their childhood illusions shattered.

‘What?!?! No DOG POO FAIRY?! It was bad enough, that Father Christmas revelation, but this is TOO MUCH! Mum, Dad, what more is there to come? Is my childhood just a tissue of LIES?!’

Then I started to think about the fairy folk and how much, to be honest, they aren’t that much cop in terms of assisting human kind. I mean, all they can manage is to send us a fairy to take away children’s discarded teeth.  That’s hardly the most pressing task, is it? I mean, in terms of the great tasks that wear us down, day in day out, lost molars is not really up there. It isn’t even in the top ten.

So I think it’s about time that the fairy-folk sorted out their priorities and organised some sort of rota to help us out. Assuming that the fairies have set up their own fairy-internet (with all the usual delights of the world wide web, like magic fairy spam dust and WingBook* and gnome porn and Leprachauns Reunited), here are our requests:

1. The Dog Poo Fairy – yes, now you come to mention it, that IS a great idea. Dog poo is the scourge of modern life. Especially when it gets caught in your buggy wheels and you spread it into your friend’s hall. That’s the kind of thing that gets you remembered in a village like mine.
2. Putting Out The Bins Fairy – it’s very early in the morning. The rain is pitter-pattering on the roof. You are thinking, oh just five more minutes. Then I really will get up. And then you hear it. That tell-tale rumbling. Yes, it’s the bin lorry. And then you think OH BUGGER DON’T TELL ME IT’S THURSDAY??? Well rest, relax, press that snooze button. Let the Putting Out the Bins Fairy deal with it.
3. The School Run Fairy – the sun shines all day. Right up until 2.30pm when it starts to cloud over. Then, at around 2.45 it starts to THROW it down with rain. But put away your Kagoule, your wellies and your umbrella. The SCHOOL RUN FAIRY is on the case. Just make sure she doesn’t sign you up for some rota or other when she’s in the playground. They’re like that, fairies.
4. The Hangover Fairy – it seemed like a good idea last night. I mean, finishing off that bottle of wine, rather than letting it go to waste. And perhaps that large Baileys on Ice for pudding was not such a smart idea either, especially since you have to get up tomorrow for church. And you’re the vicar. Wouldn’t it be great to just pop your hangover under the pillow, and let the kindly Hangover fairy just whisk it away, leaving you fresh and fragrant, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as a teetotal squirrel, ready to face the day?
5. The Christmas Fairy (or Troupe of Fairies). OH NOW YOU’RE TALKING. A fairy to buy the presents, one to wrap them, one to write your cards, one to go to your spouse’s terrible Christmas do instead of you and make polite conversation, one to go to visit relatives**. Oh and Delia Smith to do the cooking.***

So, fairy folk, get cracking. We need you. And don’t worry, we’ll sort out the baby teeth disposal for you, leaving plenty of time for you to bag up dog turds.

Seems like a good deal, yeah?

*you know, like FaceBook? Oh that doesn’t really work as a joke, does it, if you need to explain it. Soz.

** if you are related to me and reading this, obviously this doesn’t refer to you. I mean, you know, the other lot.

*** I know Delia Smith isn’t strictly a fairy, but don’t stop me now. I’m on a roll.