As those who know me in The Real Life will know, I have been laid up, off sick and generally out of action for the last few weeks. A pretty frustrating time – not least for the people close to me who have had to listen to me moaning about ALL THE EXCITING THINGS I AM NOT DOING – but one small consolation has been that I have been able to keep up to date with the way politics is going in the UK at the moment in lots of detail.
And by ‘consolation’ I of course mean ‘incredibly depressing experience’ because politics in this country is currently right down the toilet, up the U bend and lodged in the sewer behind a big plug of grease, baby wipes and half a disposable nappy. In fact British political life currently looks a bit like this FATBERG, but with Farage’s grinning face on it:
Anyway, the upside of all this is that I am now a Certified Expert of Matters Politic, having recently graduated from the University of Twitter. (Don’t worry, it’s a real qualification, not one of those fake ones you always read about in the Daily Mail. I have definitely put in the hours.)
Ask me anything! Here’s a few FAQ to get the ball rolling:
Q – Is the UKIP Calypso racist?
A – What an outrageous suggestion! Firstly, how could a white man singing in cod-‘Jamaican’ accent about the evils of immigration be considered racist? It makes no sense. Also, surely the brave championing of the calypso genre by lovable Mike Reid (self-appointed guardian of the nation’s morals since 1984) will make sales of Calypso music go through the roof! He’s like a cultural ambassador.
Moreover, I checked on the Daily Mail comments and apparently saying this is racist is like saying ‘it’s racist for a black man to sing opera’ (because white people own opera, as we all know).
Lastly, only a true genius would think of rhyming ‘misdemeanours’ and ‘vacuum cleaners’ – surely an Ivor Novello is just around the corner?
(Sidebar – was anyone else deeply disappointed that the UKIP victory song wasn’t sung by THIS Mike Read instead:?)
RUNAROUND – Now!
Q – so, if the UKIP victory song isn’t racist, then UKIP aren’t either?
A – No, absolutely not. The fact that Nigel Farage doesn’t want to live next door to Romanians or hear foreign languages on the bus just shows his softer side, his adorable vulnerability.
(If he has such a problem with foreigners, it must be a terrible trial for him to actually go to the European Parliament, or indeed his own front room, poor love. My heart goes out to him.) Also, the recent alliance with the racist, far-right, Holocaust-denying, Janusz Korwin-Mikke demonstrates Farage’s steadfast commitment to cultural diversity.
Another foreigner too – this time a Pole! How upsetting for Nige. SAD FACE.
Obviously there are countless other examples to UKIP’s long term commitment to embracing the full gamut of political opinions; I will leave you to peruse these at your leisure:
Q – How important is charisma in a leader?
A – Charisma is vitally important in a leader, especially leaders who wish to begin wars or lead their groups into suicide pacts or ‘coalitions with the Tories’ as they are sometimes known.
Obviously, being a charismatic leader can sometimes lead you into a spot of bother, for example when you start wars because you feel a bit grumpy and someone’s eaten the last bit of bread and you only have the crust left and everyone knows you don’t like the crust. Or when your psychiatrist keeps telling you that Charismatic is just another word for sociopath.
Q – So what is a bad leader then?
A – Oh this is easy! There are some very obvious things you can do to not be a bad leader.
Firstly you mustn’t be too passionate. Or obviously Welsh. (If you must be Welsh, you must be discreet about it.)
Or too grumpy.
Worst of all, you mustn’t be a grumpy man pretending to be cheery because the papers say you look too grumpy. They hate that, when you do the thing they said you should do. It’s like their worst thing:
You mustn’t be too posh.
Or too common.
NEVER be a woman –
– unless it’s this woman.
NEVER EVER wear a jacket that looks like a working class person’s jacket, because wearing a working class person’s jacket is disrespectful in the extreme.
Being able to eat a sandwich in public without dropping anything is also incredibly important, apparently.
One of these men is a strong charismatic leader, and the other is hopeless. Can you tell which one is which, just by looking at a photo of them eating a bacon sandwich. Of course you can! Anyone could. It’s easy isn’t it? Good.
Actually there’s only two things that save you from being a bad leader. You must be able to wear this outfit.
See? don’t that lot make you feel so SAFE?? You get it now, don’t you?
And secondly – be able to lie in a REALLY SINCERE WAY.
Q – Gosh this is confusing.
A – shhhh, don’t worry – this man will tell you who to vote for! And everything will be JUST FINE.
Q – so who will win the election next year?
A – THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR TODAY! More of your questions tomorrow….