Step 1 – and this is really crucial, you MUST make sure the people you have in government are the most utterly incompetent and mendacious bunch of psychopathic criminals you could ever hope to assemble, devoid of any skills whatsoever but only capable of serving their own interests and spouting meaningless slogans like ‘Let’s Get Brexit Done!’
This should be EASY as the press love this stuff as these kind of criminals will give their billionaire owners a very easy ride and the public will lap it all up.
OK, got the lying criminals in place? You are ready for the next stage:
Step 2 – the emergency approaches
Excellent! The incompetent liars are now well suited to be massively out of their depth, equipped as they are with literally no intelligence or common sense, having spent their whole lives in Easy Mode, enjoying privilege and never having to make any tricky decisions at all.
They are also EXTREMELY LAZY and therefore they will spend the crucial first weeks of the crisis doing absolutely zilch, zero, nada, nothing at all when faced with the blaring alarms and klaxons of the impending crisis. The piling body bags and uncollected dead, the desperate faces of the bereaved and the panicking expressions of the medical staff will mean nothing to them, nothing. Because they are foreign and far away, and nothing will be done.
Because of course any kind of prior planning will distract from the REAL business of government, which is of course bullying junior members of staff to suicide attempts, hiding the Russian report into the corruption of your government and a report into the sexual impropriety of your PM making backhanders to his mistress. Oh and failing to make an agreement with the EU that was apparently oven ready months ago.
Step 3 – make sure you are as unprepared as possible
DON’T for example start requisitioning hospitals or making lifesaving equipment. That can wait, or not happen at all.
DON’T issue any reassurances to worried people – play it down. Most crucially of all
DO NOT take part in daily conference calls with those awful foreign EU types. What would they have to tell us! We don’t have to PLAN! WE ARE ENGLISH AND THE BEST AT EVERYTHING.
Step 4 – last minute confusion!
At the very last minute, find yourself a really useful idiot on a very cosy programme, someone like maybe Philip Schofield, who gave you that whitewashing selfie just before the election. You can slip out to him your plan, which is to let the virus tear through the population and mention something really innocuous sounding like ‘take it on the chin… allow the disease to as it were move through the population’
So by using all this softly softly language and the passive tense, you can make it seem like you are suggesting something very reasonable, rather than the unnecessary deaths of many many thousands of people.
When this is quoted back to you in the press, you can pretend it was just a POSSIBILITY, you are being misquoted. But now you’ve flattened the path, you can do on the telly next day and say….
Step 4 – tell everyone they are going to die, and repeat the thing you said the day before, the thing you said was misquoted, but now the impact is lessened. Now it sounds reasonable and less shocking.
You might be tempted to say something stirring, something positive like EVERY OTHER DECENT LEADER WOULD, like Macron and Varadkar and LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE. No. don’t do this. This would calm things down, maybe stop people from panic buying. Just be relentlessly negative and doomy with no ‘we are all in this together’ Churchillian crap. You don’t want them to feel positive! EVERYONE must feel essentially hopeless and desperate. That’s how you make sure people start to panic as early as possible and turn your emergency into a crisis.
Also make sure you say something completely pointless to demonstrate how out of touch you are, like ‘old people shouldn’t go on cruises’ – Say nothing about the approx. 3000 older people currently homeless. Screw em. As long as they don’t go on a cruise, they’ll be fine.
A nice touch is to add some junk science here, like ‘herd immunity’ as a justification for your reckless condemnation of many thousands of people to a painful death. This sounds nice and convincing and you should line up a useful idiot to repeat it, someone with a scientific background. When pushed he can put a completely random number to this notional herd immunity – under pressure this useful idiot can pluck 60% from the air, to add to the junkiness of the junk science. Don’t worry, you are working on easy mode with a lapdog press so no one is going to ask questions like –
What evidence is there that being infected leads to immunity?
How frequently do people become immune?
How long will this take?
How many people will die?
When do you think that a mutation will occur?
How many people will die this way?
How about we wait for vaccine instead?
How many people will die this way?
How does herd immunity work without a vaccine?
How many people will die this way?
How does achieving herd immunity coincide with the impact on the NHS and how many more people will die this way?
Where does the number of 60% come from?
Is it from your arse?
How certain are you that this will work?
What are the assumptions in your data models?
Are you really going to use the children as vectors to leak the infection into the community and for how long and will you tell them or their parents and teachers and HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE WILL DIE USING THIS MODEL THAN ONE USING SOCIAL DISTANCING NOW?
(Of course the audience is full of your useful idiots and lapdogs and no one will ask the really important questions like, why have you done nothing to get ready so far? Where are the hospitals we need? Where are the nurses? And how has your gutting and chronic underfunding of the NHS over the last ten years increased the death toll?)
If you make it sound all scientific then more useful idiots will commit themselves to supporting this idea of the herd immunity, of course no one will be able to answer any of these questions above.
Then 24 hours later, chuck them all under the bus by going back on your previous statement and saying, no we aren’t going for herd immunity at all! The Health Secretary said so. Now the useful idiots are just idiots and CONGRATULATIONS! You have created far more of a panic than necessary! By now, the public is getting really worried and starting to panic buy. Soon everyone will be turning on each other and the fabric of society will start to break down! Well done!
Now for the next crucial step – what you must do now is make a massive U turn within 24 hours – based on the exact same data (because you won’t do any more testing, that would actually help you do some proper planning and mean less people die. Who wants that??).
‘HERD IMMUNITY IS NOT THE PLAN UNTIL IT IS THE PLAN AGAIN’
So using the same data as yesterday, you say the opposite. It’s time for draconian measures (although it wasn’t yesterday). You indicate that you are going to ban large public gatherings and isolate older people for several months.
But HOLD ON were you thinking of giving a press conference. Don’t be silly! That might give them some sense that you were in charge and taking careful steps to reduce their risks. Obviously don’t actually announce any ACTUAL actions, like building new hospitals and finding those 50000 new nurses, or financial measures, or I mean any bloody thing at all. Here’s what you must do:
Step 5 – put out some terrifyingly dystopian but extremely half-baked and ill thought out policies affecting the most vulnerable in our society like the elderly, but announce these policies to a lap dog photocopier like Robert Peston, late on a Saturday for the Sunday papers. so the old folk and those that love them have time to get extremely distressed about the terrifying prospect of 4 months of isolation with no chance of any answers to their very obvious questions. Like
- When is this likely to be, so I can get ready?
- What are the benefits that you have calculated of this policy?
- Is this voluntary or enforced? How will it be enforced?
- If you don’t know the answers to these questions, WHY ARE YOU PUBLICISING THIS NOW??
- What about my caring responsibilities for children and parents?
- Who will walk my dog?
- How will I get my regular medical care? Will the doctor or nurse come to me?
- Will I still get my carers at the same time?
- What happens if I get sick in that time?
- Why is this necessary in the future but it’s still ok for me to pick up the grandkids from school tomorrow?
Now let them stew and make sure you ship out your absolutely most incompetent ministers (I know this is competitive field, but how about Matt Hancock? I mean he’s not only utterly useless but also very creepy, so that’s a nice apocalyptic touch). Make sure they say only really stupid things that make them look like an absolute imbecile – like anyone get in touch if they have any ventilators in your attic! Don’t worry the lapdog press won’t ask hard questions, they never do.
The whole feel needs to be ‘Orwell, but written by a dodgy-dealer from Rogue Traders with a hidden camera up his nose).
Congratulations! You are well on the way to creating an appalling crisis, much worse than it needed to be. They will be stripping the shelves, turning on each other, ignoring your measures for the foreseeable future!
The body bags will be piling up and the whole thing will come tumbling down, just like the house of cards it always was.